Let's start with the series of thoughts which led to me making this post today; as I matured over the years I've long since discovered the benefits of hiding in plain sight from the prying eyes of an intrusive and pesky society. I learned what character traits caught the attention of the sorts of people I sought to avoid (generally speaking I came to find that some of the more consistent traits they responded to were a goofy sense of humor, frequent and vocal interest in popular media, "new age"/liberal ideologies, and the like), and adapted thusly. Though I retained a sharp and witty sense of humor in private as well as around welcomed company, I largely kept it silent around people I wished to 'hide' from; to my credit though, I definitely do not enjoy "popular" media such as pop music, celebrity gossip, and the like; I have also maintained my conservative values, even in the face of latter-day "Christians" who claim to follow the Bible yet openly celebrate and even endorse blatantly obvious sins (I have since come to detest such people for doing the Devil's work for him; with these guys around, who needs demons to deceive people?!). Eventually I came to find that my efforts had largely succeeded; if I wanted to be left alone, I could disappear practically at will. If I didn't want to be noticed in a public space, I could do that too. These observations helped me to hide from such nuisances as obnoxiously loud man-children, cartoonishly feminine gay guys (full disclosure: personal story behind that one), stereotypical black 'thug' wannabes who looked like they'd just waddled out of their wardrobe without caring what exactly they were wearing or if their pants covered up their rear ends... you know, generally unwanted company.
Over time there came other reasons behind my efforts to lay low socially; namely a large degree of insecurity on my part. Far as physical appearance goes, I've determined that my face is just fine... but for the past several years I've hated my hair, and that hatred has only gotten worse over time; not only is my hairline gradually receding, but when my hair gets dirty it becomes an absolute embarrassment with poofy edges, curls around curls in the back, and a painfully obvious bald spot. This only served to strengthen my need to stay out of sight, and I've long since become very fond of my black and red hoodie for keeping my appearance covered. But sadly, there eventually came a problem with keeping so well hidden...
Which brings us to my reflections for the day: apparently I've gotten so good at staying out of sight that I've completely forgotten how to be noticed by the people that I want to be seen by; in particular, women. When it comes to introducing myself to a woman that I find interesting, I'm about as clueless as a goldfish trying to figure out fresh air. And given that I also deal with debilitating insecurity concerning my appearance, that much hasn't helped either. When you have a low social profile, there's always a degree of sanctuary about it; you're safe in your own little world. By stepping out of the void and coming into the light of the proverbial sun, you inevitably risk damaging that sanctuary for a length of time. And sometimes the risk might just outweigh the reward... and the thing is, there's no real way to tell whether or not being noticed will result in that, or if there will be any repercussions at all -- whether good or bad. Sometimes that's my biggest fear: the thought that, even if I attempt to make myself noticed, it will result in nothing but being ignored as if I'd never stepped out of the void to begin with.
For what it's worth, what do you think? What suggestions would you make for this lonely wall shadow? Thank you in advance for your time. ~M.D.
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